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Lumbar Poke

It's like any other morning in my house. I get myself up. I get my children up. I get the dog fed. I make some coffee for myself. Thank goodness for the Keurig. It gives me just the amount of caffeine I typically need to start my day. It's almost a normal day - but instead of wishing my husband a good day at work, I have to rely on getting him out the door, my child to daycare, my other child ready for a day of boredom, and the dog to the boarder all earlier than we usually have to leave in the morning because I have to have an MRI and a Lumbar Poke today.

I am the one that has to have the procedure done today. I am the one that gets to listen to a construction site while I get images of my brain taken and I am the one that has to endure the needle poking me in the back - but, I am also the one that knows the timing of everything. I am also the one that knows that my MRI is scheduled for a 7:30 arrival time with an 8 AM appointment. I am also the one that knows the way from our house to the hospital very well because I drove it so flipping often when my son was born.

But, I didn't know the timing of everything. I didn't know that after the lumbar poke, I had to lay on my back for an hour and that the headache would start. I didn't know that my daughter's appointment was in fact scheduled for Monday, not for today. I didn't know that I could have let my daughter go to school instead of hanging out at the hospital with me all day.

These are the types of mistakes that I've been making. The ones that are so easy to do, like transpose a 2 and a 5. These are the types of mistakes - easy ones to make, but not so easy to correct, that I have had to deal with for weeks. My mom was with me - and she basically said to forgive myself.

So now I ask myself, can I extend the same loving kindness that I would to a friend to myself? Can I give myself a break? Can I find the power to say to myself:

May I be happy.

May I be safe.

May I be healthy.

May I be at peace.

And when I find that power, to really feel the words deep in my bones? I certainly hope that I will be able to find that power - and I hope that once I forgive myself, I can extend forgiveness to others who are causing me great stress and anxiety right now.

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